Monday, January 03, 2005

They say there's gonna be a resolution...

Happy New Years and all that crap.

Now that we have that out of the way, I wanted to point out some resolutions I think everyone should make, in general. But since New Years resolutions tend to last little longer than a bad fart, I think penalities are appropriate for people who break them.

This is, by no means, a complete list. But we have to start somewhere...

1. All radio dee jays will be given term limits - like four years. Starting with morning zoo "jocks". (this means you, Kevin & Bean, and Mark & Brian)

2. Any publicly displayed clock, like those on billboards, on banks, on clocktowers, need to be correct more than twice a day. Property owners or leasors will be fined $1 per minute that clocks are wrong or broken, with said funds going to needy retarded crippled homosexual children.

3. Pedestrians who begin crossing once the flashing red hand begins waive all rights to sue vehicles that him them. Likewise, vehicles that pull to a stop over clearly marked crosswalks are fairgame to be kicked and keyed by pedestrians that need to walk around them.

4. If you end up with a shopping cart with a faulty wheel, the grocery store permits you to "accidentally" barrel into one display of any size. Any items that land in your cart you get for free.

5. Groups of people who walk more than two side by side on narrow walk ways, crowds, or sidewalks will be immediately drafted as minesweepers to help with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

6. News channels will immediately reduce the amount of on screen graphics (chyron, bugs, tickers, etc.) by 50% and resize all video footage so none is obstructed by said graphics. Or they can choose to purchase all of their viewers large screen TVs.


7. Americans who claim that George W. Bush is not "their" President will be sent to a mandatory, month long, naked "love in" with Americans who claim that Bush never lied. Upon return to society, everyone will be sanitized with a mild disinfectant.

Feel free to join in.