Saturday, May 08, 2004


I wish I was a Batman again. Not that I ever was Batman. But, in my youth, my friend Denis and I tried our best to fight crime late at night throughout the streets of Old Lyme, population 5,000. Actually, I was more Robin to Denis' Batman, but we'd both dress in black and walk the winding roads under the cover of darkness, carrying assorted weapons that we'd either made or bought from a local cutlery/knife shop. Mostly, we'd duck into the woods when we saw cars approach - as practice I guess - and on occassion explore an empty house, which meant breaking in, but Denis would always find a way that didn't require breaking anything to get in. Like, he'd use a grappling hook and rope to get us on the roof, and then sneak in through a balcony, or sometimes even a sky light. These adventures would last sometimes until dawn. Although we did have some actual adventures, we never busted any criminals, and besides the occasional rodent, never got to put the weapons to use.

So, I want to be Batman again. I don't think that desire has ever gone away. Perhaps thats part of why I occasionally think that I could still join the army, or maybe the L.A.P.D. Whenever I feel motivated, I research and put some calls into starting a neighborhood watch group (being a block away from seedy Hollywood Blvd., we need it).

But today when I was woken up at 7:45am by a car outside of the apartment blaring its horn for fifteen minutes, I wanted to to walk outside in full battle gear. Instead, I walked out in boxers and a t-shirt. It was a black BMW. I tapped on one of the tinted windows. It rolled down. "What!?" a young blonde in sunglasses asked. She was a the wheel. A guy with black, slicked back hair was next to her. "Can you quite honking? You're waking everybody up." She waved me off and said, "Its 8 am." I asked them who they were trying to get, and they pointed to the apartment across the street. I said to call the manager. She asked if I thought she was stupid, cause she already tried that, and honked again. She told me to stop tapping on her window, and rolled it up. I was fuming. I tapped again. The greasy haired dude jumped out of the car, with clenched fists. "She said not to tap on the car!" I repeated they had to stop blaring their horn. My andrenaline was pumping, my sleep had been disturbed, I wasn't about to be intimidated by a car who was car pooling. He got back into the car while she shouted that I should call the police. I knew it was futile, but I memorized their license plate number and went back to my apartment for my cel phone. I called 911. On my way back down, I heard them blare the horn again and take off. I stayed on the phone, was transferred four times before being told there was nothing I could report.

I conspired throughout the day about waiting til the next time, and then going up to the roof of the building with a paint gun, and showering their car with paint pellets when they honked next (this was after eliminating tossing down rocks or furniture).

Claire called me later in the day to report that she walked into an abandoned apartment to discover what looked like a spell may have been put on her by the ex-tenant. He's an actor, who shall remain nameless, who said he had to move after only being there for three weeks because his show was going to be shooting in Canada. He ignored that he'd signed a lease, and essentially took his stuff and ran. Claire sent an abandonment notice, and he called her, screaming, and calling her unreasonable. Now, a few weeks later, Claire walked into the apartment to discover some spell components - unsure what exactly - and a rotting piece of shit in the toilet.

Alas, it looks like a hot summer is coming, and my gut sayd things will only get weirder. So, I want to be Batman again.